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What Will You Believe?
Simon Campbell
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The Miracle Adjuster by Simon Campbell (Satire)
The thing about the truth is; it doesn’t get out much...
Colin Jekyll is an ‘Events Manager’. And a liar. Colin’s real name is Frank Canon, and his real job title is ‘Reality Enforcer’. And the lies don’t stop there; they only get bigger.
Canon works for the Agency, protecting the status quo. A multilingual lone wolf with an unreliable history and a fear of flying, Canon covers up continuity errors; those inexplicable events most other people call ‘miracles’. He adjusts outbreaks of clairvoyance and drunken weather, weeping statues and spontaneous dancing plagues before they become common knowledge, and before people begin to panic, because people’s faith in consensus reality needs to be enforced.
Fortunately for Frank and the Agency, most people are naturally suspicious of the truth.
10 lies (or inaccuracies) that people generally accept as truths:
1.
Sell by dates. Best before dates. Use by dates. And self-destruct messages.
Sell by dates. Best before dates. Use by dates. And self-destruct messages.2.Lightning never strikes the same place twice.
Lightning never strikes the same place twice.3.Water drains differently in the southern hemisphere.
Water drains differently in the southern hemisphere.4.Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.5.You lose more heat from your head (true only if you’re doing the ice bucket challenge, because you want the internet to see you in a wet T-shirt do a lot for charity.
You lose more heat from your head (true only if you’re doing the ice bucket challenge, because you want the internet to see you in a wet T-shirt do a lot for charity.6.People only use ten percent of their brain. It’s at least twelve percent.
People only use ten percent of their brain. It’s at least twelve percent.7.You can see the Great Wall of China from outer space. You can’t even see it from Outer Mongolia.
You can see the Great Wall of China from outer space. You can’t even see it from Outer Mongolia.8.Chewing gum takes seven years to digest.
Chewing gum takes seven years to digest.9.The C in KFC stands for Chicken.
The C in KFC stands for Chicken.10.The sun is yellow.
The sun is yellow.10 truths that people usually regard as lies (or fiction)
1.Global Warming
Global Warming2.Evolution
Evolution3.A chicken can carry on living after you cut off its head. Because chickens have evolved to carry out basic functions without the use of their brains. Like Donald Trump.
A chicken can carry on living after you cut off its head. Because chickens have evolved to carry out basic functions without the use of their brains. Like Donald Trump.4.Lightning can strike the same person more than once.
Lightning can strike the same person more than once.5.Most people don’t own a cell phone. In fact, eight out of ten people on the planet have never even seen a phone. Although six out of those eight have still had their dinner interrupted by a telemarketer.
Most people don’t own a cell phone. In fact, eight out of ten people on the planet have never even seen a phone. Although six out of those eight have still had their dinner interrupted by a telemarketer.6.The Titanic had enough lifeboats for all of its passengers.
The Titanic had enough lifeboats for all of its passengers.7.No-one knows how gravity works.
No-one knows how gravity works.8.Most bats have excellent vision.
Most bats have excellent vision.9.Most goldfish have excellent memories.
Most goldfish have excellent memories.10.Lemmings have no more desire to jump off a cliff than you do. Even after reading this list.
Lemmings have no more desire to jump off a cliff than you do. Even after reading this list.*You can find more unbelievable truths in The Miracle Adjuster. Coming August 2016 (honest).
Simon Campbell was born in South East England but managed to escape as a child and went on the run for the next twenty odd years through Africa, the Middle East and Oz (the one down under, not the one over the rainbow). Following his deportation from Australia back to the UK he won a writing competition in The Independent, and realised that this was what he’d wanted to do with his life for as long as he could remember (unfortunately Simon has a terrible memory and so it’s possible that he’d always wanted to be a fire engine).
Simon met a girl, rescued a cat and started a family just a few miles from where he was made. He collects old comics, watches old films, reads old books and enjoys live music, scuba diving and ghostbusting. He is also a habitual liar and a fantasist; so his real hobbies are anyone’s guess.
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